Bully: An Important Film

On Friday, my husband and I took our three children (19, 14 and 12) to see Bully at the Little Theater. We chose to go see the film on opening night because it was to be followed by a “talk back” after the film. Additionally, our middle-schoolers wanted to see it. Earlier this month, our college age son watched Jamie Nabozny’s Bullied (and saw him speak), so he was also intrigued by the topic. So off we went to see the film…

As we sat in the theater, it became apparent that this wasn’t your garden variety film. Right from the beginning, viewers witnessed the heartbreaking physical, verbal and emotional abuse heaped on the young victims. In fact, I was so disturbed at how one young boy, Alex, was being treated that I got up to leave the theater after only 15 minutes. Luckily, my husband convinced me to stay and finish watching the film. Watching the documentary unfold, I was beyond angry—I was hurt, confused and downright ticked off. It turned my stomach and bothered my spirit that these young folks were being victimized by their peers. What took me over the edge (and the other viewers in attendance) was the response of the school administrators. Well, maybe I should say the lack of response. *insert disgusted look here* I won’t say anymore in order to avoid spoilers, but I will say you should see it and so should your children. The language is not a big enough concern to warrant missing the film.

What I hope parents will do is to sit down with their children and discuss the film. To discuss what happens when children leave home and get on their school buses, enter their classrooms or any space where their parents are not present. We need to stop telling children that “sticks and stones may break your bones, but names will never hurt you.” Words hurt. And sometimes we don’t notice the effects of those words until it is too late. We have to teach our children that picking on someone because of any perceived difference is not right. Period. We can’t excuse malicious behaviors as a rite of passage by saying “boys will be boys” or “you know how girls are.” We are becoming a culture of vultures who misbehave for sport. But it’s not a laughing matter at all. If you encourage or ignore hurtful behaviors or language in your own children—you are wrong! Period.

Listen, childhood is difficult enough without the added threat of physical, emotional or verbal assault. Not many of us were as confident as children that we are as adults (if we are). Some of us may have been bullies and some of us may have been bullied, but we should do all we can to spare our children the same harmful experiences. Talk with your children and set a standard for how they are to behave. Don’t sugarcoat it. We tell our children what our standard of behavior is and what our expectations for their behaviors are. We talk about Facebook, texting and interacting with peers. We let them know that we would never condone it if they were to mistreat someone—period. And we also tell them to let us know if someone is mistreating them. None of the folks in our household have either been bullies or been bullied, but I am happy to report that we all take up for others, we all champion social justice (even the littlest ones) and we each have wonderful manners. No, we aren’t perfect, but we definitely aren’t bullies.

Overall, let’s work together to create a space where children can just BE. Who is to say who is "cool" or not? Who is "pretty" or not? Who is "worthy" or not? We all have a right to just BE. Let's build a world of inclusion where we can develop and grow into our full selves. And it starts today, right here, right now with me and with you... Read our family's views about the film here

New Location for Soulstainable Living (Temporarily)

One of the wonderful things to happen to me as a blogger is that I have been asked to blog for our local newspaper's online site for women. So, for the last couple of months, I have been posting on that site instead of here. I assumed that most people who read the blog follow it on Facebook, but I understand that some people who read this blog are not on FB *blush* So that being said, here is the temporary site for Soulstainable Living. I hope you will continue to follow me:

http://blogs.democratandchronicle.com/her-community/author/tgraham/

Take good care and thank you so very much for your support!!

Thank You...

I have been working hard to make some of my personal dreams come true. I work all the time to make sure that what I want will manifest in real life. I have been overwhelmed recently by the level of support that I have gotten from my family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and even some strangers. I'm truly appreciative of all of the blessings that come my way. I have had a hard road in some ways and I am happy to say that I am conquering the ghosts of my past, one determined action at a time. This blog has been taking off in so many directions that I have to pinch myself to make sure it's real. Life is good.

I just want to say thank you for your support. Your phone calls, text messages, FB posts and in person meetings have touched me in ways that I can't fully express. I believe in taking moments out to give thanks and that's what I intend to convey to you today: THANK YOU!!! I look forward to the next directions that this blog will go. In life and in love, I wish you well.

Fantasia "I Believe"

Go Hard or ...

Today I woke up and realized that I have hustle in my heart. I mean that to say that I want more and so I do more. I'm not concerned with what other folks have going on; I know what I have in store for moi (that's "me" for the non-French speakers). Seriously. I work from sun up to sun down in order to make my dreams come true. Do you? Do you have the "go hard or go home" motto etched into the part of your brain that organizes your goals? Do you plan, plan, plan with every breath you take? Do you? Do you live and breathe for your next move? Do you? Because if you don't, well then it won't get done.

I don't know about y'all, but I know that I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I don't have a trust fund or tons of discretionary income to play around with, so I have to work hard for my money. If I don't work, I don't eat. I mean that. Yes, I have a husband and he's a great provider, but I have to contribute in my way. That's what's important to me. Even when I was a stay at home mom/wife, I worked hard. I went to school, I planned my next steps...I went hard! I founded a writing company, I wrote articles, I researched grad schools, and actually completed one graduate degree (the next is coming). I didn't just sit around and let my brain turn to mush; I worked.it.out.

Too often, we become complacent and just accept what we're given as our lot in life. We take scraps and leftovers (I'm not talking about food, here) and make do with what we've been allotted. But what I'm telling you is that you can propel yourself to greatness with whatever you have been given. You have the final say in what is for you and what isn't...period. I have a friend who is the hardest working person I know. And she doesn't just work...she excels. In fact, I have several friends like that. And you know what? We push each other further; we encourage each other to do more, to be more. And you know why: well because birds of a feather flock together (but for the record, we're eagles, not chickens). And we move in sync toward our individual paths of greatness, but we're connected to each other by our perseverance.

Listen, I'm not saying that you should live your life chasing and searching. What I am saying is that you should work hard to achieve your goals. You have to work hard to achieve your goals. Very few people have become successful by sitting on their sofas, scratching their bellies. You have to get out there and do the w.o.r.k. There aren't many freebies in life and you have to shed a little blood, a lot of sweat and even more tears. For real. Plan your work and then work the heck out of your plan. No excuses. However, you have to remember to play hard as well. Don't ignore your loved ones and laughter in pursuit of greatness. I can tell you that nothing in the world is worth losing connections to the ones you love.

Remember that you only have one life to live and this is not a dress rehearsal: it's the real deal. You have to go out and apply yourself to everything that you do. Your name should mean something to you. "You" are a brand. When people hear your name, they should know that it means quality. They should know that you handle your business in every way, every day. Period. If you say you want it, you should be willing to work for it. No excuses. Remember: go hard or go home. You can't expect for someone else to do your work for you (well, you can expect it, but it probably won't happen). You better make sure that every "i" is dotted and that every "t" is crossed. I don't care how big you get, you better handle your business. Never, ever let the business handle you. For real. You are in control. You have to believe it.

In the end, this isn't about money. It's about passion and satisfaction. Find something you are passionate about and make a plan that revolves around that. If you are passionate about what you are doing, then you will have greater satisfaction in the scope of your life. You will understand that you are made for greatness and expecting anything less than that is ludicrous. I don't care what people say about you. Let them talk. Let them eat cake. Let them sit and watch you become all you are destined to be. Take some time in the near future to outline your goals, divide them into monthly, semi-annual, annual and five-year. Then write down the work that you think it will take in order to make your dreams come true. Remember that your goals will need to be re-evaluated at times and you may not always complete them in the ways that you imagine. But remember this: a try beats a fail every time. So get out there and give this the best that you've got. Peace.

"Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor

It's Not Smoke and Mirrors...

Too often we allow people into our space without doing proper background checks. I don't mean running credit reports, DMV profiles or criminal record checks. I'm talking about looking at the relationships that they have with other folks before you allow them into your inner circle. If you meet someone that a lot of people fall out with...um, well, that's a glaring red flag. You might want to keep on steppin'. But the best of us feel as if we will be the ones who can change that person for the better. Unfortunately, it's probably not gonna happen.

A recent FB status update read: When people show you who they are, believe them. We make too many excuses for folks' bad behavior, often at the expense of our peace of mind. If someone is treating you poorly, remove him/her from your life--period. Life is too short to surround yourself with toxic people. SN: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Actions speak louder than words. Many of my friends liked the status and commented with their own tales of folks behaving badly. It's a shame that so many people will put up with the bad behavior of others. I'm not talking about at work or school, because sometimes you can't avoid dealing with donkeys. But in your personal life? Noooo way!! There is no reason to allow that toxic energy in your personal space.

Listen, people are drawn to me. It's true. Ever since I was a little girl, I've always had tons of friends. And I've had most of my friends for a very long time (10+ years), so I definitely know how to maintain good relationships. But (and it's a big but), I haven't been as careful recently with some of the folks that I have allowed into my inner circle (shame on me). I went through some major upheaval with some of my new "friends" and it left me wounded. For real, for real. I was speaking about it with my husband and trying to figure out what the universe and God were trying to tell me. I kept blaming myself and my husband broke it down to me. He said, "Yeah it is you. But not how you think it is. It's not saying that you are a bad person. Not. At. All. The message you should get is that you can't always allow everyone a front row seat to your heart." WHAT?!!! Hold up? That made a lot of sense. Because that's who I am. I am a constant "fixer." My friend, BGA, tells me that I "speak life into people" and that I'm "a natural healer." And it's true.

I hate for anyone to be left out. I don't like for people to have hurt feelings. I do all I can to make folks feel good about themselves and their lives. I really do. And I want everyone to be their best selves. I want to stand in the gaps and heal the world. But you know what? I'm learning that everyone is not my kind. Sad, but true. I've talked about this before, but it bears repeating: hurt people do not have to hurt people. They can channel their pain into positive energy and recycle it for the benefit of others. But most folks don't do that or maybe they can't. They get stuck in operating off of ego and resorting to those same faulty behaviors that have failed them in the past. But you know what I've learned throughout this difficult year? It's not my problem or my fault. I don't have to drain myself to build anyone else up. That is a relationship that is one sided and unhealthy. I'm too old (and wise, I hope) for that.

So this is an open letter to the folks who have done me wrong recently:

Dear You (you know who you are),

I gave myself to you in friendship with open arms, with no expectations except for reciprocity. I was honest in all of our dealings. I always considered your best interest, but I can't compromise who I am in order to suit your purposes. I refuse to be in a relationship that demands that I play myself small. You want full governance to be who you are and I am supposed to understand that that is part of your personality. But what about me? What about the ways that I showed you kindness, generosity, consistency and love? What about how I had your back and feathered your wings with kind words and purposeful actions? I guess it didn't matter after all. I ignored the folks who told me stories of their dealings with you. I ignored the ones who tried to warn me about your donkey antics. I thought that if I dealt with you a certain way then you would reciprocate.

But I was wrong. You got mad at some perceived slight and then you shut me out. You ignored me and thought that somehow that would break me...Have you read my resume? Did you know that I have overcome more than you could ever throw at me? Did you know that I might bend, but I don't break? Did you remember that I am protected by legions who love me? Did you know that your absence would only cause temporary pain because I was built to overcome adversity? You haven't taken anything from me that I didn't give to you willingly. But now that I understand who you are, you don't ever have to worry about me again. I can't deal with the flip flop emotions and the unnecessary drama. You are showing me that, in the larger scope of things, our connection didn't matter at all. And so I release you from my expectations of reciprocity. I free you from the bonds of our friendship. I wish you no ill will and hope that you continue to move and grow towards full personhood.

With no malice,
Me

And that, my faithful readers, is how you save yourself. The Soulstainable Living movement does not require that you accept poor treatment from anyone. You can give love freely, but protect yourself. I had been walking around for awhile with this pain in my heart because I was still trying to figure out how I could make this thing right. That's not always the lesson. Things don't always come 360. Some things are meant to help you grow, even if there is pain involved. Remember that everyone you start your journey with will not be at the finish line. That doesn't diminish your value as a person. You just make sure that you hold yourself to a higher standard that allows you to heal, not hurt. And if people show you who they are: BELIEVE THEM!! I wish you love and enlightenment. Peace.

"I Choose" by India Arie

Making Connections: Being Reunited Does Feel Good

Remember all of the friends that you made throughout your life? The ones you were born with because your family knew their families? Do you remember the ones you met in elementary school and laughed with during recess? You remember your secondary school friends? The ones you coordinated outfits with, confided in about your first love? The ones you shared all of your teenage angst, passion and joy with? Do you remember the friends you made in college? You studied together, pledged together, hung out together and made plans to be connected all your lives because you were going to take over the world together. What about your friends you met in church, summer camp or some other activity? Your work friends that you had at a previous job? What about the friends you made when your children were small? And your kids played with their kids? Remember that you had memories upon memories of the good times that you shared with these people? Remember, you would talk to these folks all.of.the.time? (Pause for a quick walk down memory lane).

It seemed that wherever you went, you met people who shared with you, who laughed with you and who were an important part of the landscape of your life. The very fabric of your life was woven together by your interactions with these special folks. You knew they looked out for you and had your back no matter what and you did the same in return. They made each moment in their presence that much better. These were the people that you felt connected in a myriad of ways with. Remember how we all thought that everyone we ever loved would be in our lives forever? Remember? Despite our best efforts, life happened and we didn't keep in touch. We moved away, we changed schools, mindsets and availability. And people who were once very important to us, somehow became memories--faded, tucked away in the recesses of our hearts and minds. Do you remember?

As I get older I find that, while I love to meet new people, I really I love the company of folks who were a part of my early years. The years when I fumbled in my quest for identity, voice and position. I find that I really need the people who loved me and poured into me. I find that I also need to make connections with people who were significant to me in different times in my life because I need those connections to help push me to the next level of my life. For real. I know that everyone didn't have beautiful people in their lives as they were growing up, but I did. And for some reason as I get older, I want to reach out to those people. I want to reconnect and become plugged back into to their worlds. I want to be a part of their lives and I want them to share my life with me. I feel like I need it--does that make any sense? There is something inexplicable that is stirring in my soul that is pulling me back to days past. Like an archeologist, I dig for the people who I believe will be important to my future.

Recently, I have been able to connect to some great childhood friends I hadn't seen in about 25 years. We reunited through Facebook. Online, we serve as each others' cheerleaders providing encouragement and cyber love often. We became a little sorority, a modern day Three Musketeers. The funny thing is, is that I knew them from different places, but they went to school together. Our connection was like a Venn diagram, but we overlapped in all the right places: we formed a new sisterhood. In fact, I saw both of them recently when they came to our hometown for visits. And you know what? It was like no time at all passed by. We laughed, talked, danced, laughed some more, reminisced and it felt just.right. Good times were had by us all.

I also reconnected with an old work friend online. We were so close at one point, but it was the same old story: our lives changed and we lost touch. I would see her once in awhile and we would promise to get together, but it never happened. Through Facebook, we got to know each other again and realized that we needed each other still. And so we hung out in person and once again, I found that we fell right back to our usual patterns. We laughed and continued a conversation we began about 10 years ago, like we never lost touch at all. It feels good to be back in each others' lives. For real.

Late last year, I also reconnected with my high school bff in person. We hadn't seen each other in 15 years, but we remained connected via phone. And along came FB...we saw each other all the time online and I realized how much I missed her goofy face. And so we drove 10 hours to see her and when I saw her, it felt like no time had passed. Our families clicked and we laughed and laughed and...well, it was just perfect. I didn't realize how much I had missed her until I was driving home...and then the tears came. Tears of joy, tears of absence, tears of reconnection, just tears, tears, tears. And I vowed never to let that much time pass again without actually seeing my loved ones.

And recently, I reunited with a childhood cousin from my grandfather's side of the family. I spent long hours at her mother's house with her mom, aunts, uncles and my grandparents. I hadn't seen her in a very long time and didn't recognize her for the semester she was my student (crazy, right?), but from the day we met, we had a connection we couldn't identify. It was just strong. And then one day just last week, we became FB friends and realized through a set of circumstances that we were actually family!!!! What a blessing and a true gift. I had just written about my grandfather and it felt so good to be connected to his family again. And best of all, we even reunited her mother and my grandmother who are both in their 80's!!!! It doesn't get any better than that. *tears*

Listen, I'm not saying that everyone you used to know is someone you need to know. I'm just saying that sometimes we get so bogged down by life and we lose contact (through no fault of our own) with people who have been integral to our development. Technology can sometimes get in the way of real human contact, but in my case, technology was the bridge to human contact. Hurray for FB because without it, I would never have been able to reconnect with so many of the good folks in my life. I have found other former classmates, work friends and family online; it is truly remarkable and nourishes my spirit. I encourage you to try to reestablish severed ties and make your way back to the people who remember you "when". I know that my life has been enriched in indescribable ways by these reignited connections. With each reunion, I am able to give and receive love and we all could use a bit more of that. Here's wishing you find your way back to the relationships that fed your soul and that you blossom from the love you receive. Peace.

"Love Train" by the (Mighty, Mighty) O'Jays

Defining Fatherhood: A Tribute

I didn't meet my father until I was 17. Sure I heard about a man with similar coloring, the same prominent nose and identical sense of humor, but I didn't know him. I remember being at a local shopping center with my aunt. I was about 9 years old and quite impressionable. We had gone into a shoe store and upon our exit, a slim, handsome man stopped my aunt and they chatted. She tried to encourage me to speak to him, but an unfamiliar shyness took over me and I hid (inexplicably) behind her. I would later find out that that man was my father. Even though I saw him, I never considered that "meeting" him until we were formally introduced almost nine years later. Can you imagine? Being formally introduced to your father? It defies all logic.

Despite my father's absence, I grew up with a loving father figure in my house--Frank Mitchell, my grandfather. He was an old, old man from the South. He had limited education, but what he lacked in traditional schooling, he made up for with his mastery of carpentry. He also had a sharp fashion sense. Monday through Friday, he wore his uniform of tattered dungarees with a variety of holes and stains. He would have an old cap on his head, weathered boots and a red and black square carpenter's pencil tucked behind one ear. But on the weekends? He was sharp as a tack, clean as a whistle. He would get out his old fashioned shaving kit (with the soap brush and straight razor) and proceed to groom his thin mustache to perfection. He always smelled so good and his suits? They fit him to a tee. He would put on the socks that had to be held up with sock garters; his pants even had suspenders!! Well dressed, indeed. He would put on a jaunty hat and some well polished shoes and he would look more elegant than gentlemen half his age. In fact, he taught me how to tie a tie when it was in fashion for women to wear them. He scoffed when I said that I could just buy a clip on. I'm smiling now thinking of the memory.

He had one brown eye and one blue one...how that happened I never knew. He did odd jobs and carpentry work for many people in our neighborhood and beyond. I loved those odd jobs because he would always bring me little treasures: a doll, some books, etc. These weren't old things; they were new things that someone had given to him. They knew he had a granddaughter and so they gave him things for me. Another thing I remember about him is that he LOVED baseball. I mean, loved it!! He would take his old black and white portable television and sit in our enclosed side patio watching hours of games at a time. He loved to laugh and would throw his head back to reveal some empty spaces where teeth used to be. He also loved the blues. In fact, I was the only child I knew who sang blues songs like nursery rhymes. He was a flawed man (who isn't), but he never wavered in his love for me. Never. And he was a constant figure in my life. I could always count on him up until his death when I was 18. I even eulogized him at his funeral. My family still laughs about that funeral. It was wild and crazy, just like him. Just like his life.

I don't have any memories of my father. He never came to see about me or to check on me. He didn't know if I was being treated well or if I was being misused. He never came to any of my activities and never influenced me in any way. We've tried to build a relationship over the years, but we can't seem to connect in the ways that matter. I must say that he's a phenomenal father to his other children. But with me? We are like familiar strangers who struggle to find the words to say at the right times. I know it's because I hold his feet to the fire and make him accountable for his words. He resents that, but I'm grown now. I don't need him like I used to and I won't allow him to lie to me like I don't know any better. We've talked; he's promised and sadly, he's fallen short. So this year I decided to cut him out of my life for good. It's a self-preservation tactic that is my last resort to save my heart from further damage. Sad, but necessary. I don't wish him any ill and I don't harbor too much anger about his lack of presence in my life. It took me awhile to come to this decision and I really don't regret it. You know why? Because the truth is, my real father died when I was 18.

But this isn't a sad testament to Father's Day. Because of my vastly different experiences with "fathers", I want to acknowledge the father of my children, my husband. So here is an open letter to him on the day that we celebrate the fathers in our lives:

Happy Father's Day. I want to thank you for all that you have poured into our children. I love that you push them beyond the boundaries of the expectations they have for themselves. I love that you encourage artistic expressions and intellectual pursuits with equal fervor. Thank you for showing them that being there isn't enough--sharing yourself with them fully is the only way that you parent. I appreciate that you have taken my nephew into our fold and that you treat him like one of your own. And no one can tell the difference. I thank you for showing your true self (flaws and all) to our sons so they can have a model for manhood. I appreciate that you talk with our daughter about what she should expect from future suitors. I love that you enjoy these kids with everything you have, calling them "your crew" as you run rampant around the city with them in tow. I laugh just thinking about the numbers of people who say they've seen you at (insert event or location) with the kids and that you looked like you were having fun. Overall, I want to thank you for not allowing your own absentee father to turn you into a bitter, distant man who abandoned his own children. You are a man beyond measure, a father extraordinaire. Thank you for blessing our family with your love.

I want to wish a Happy Father's Day to all of the men who are fathers to their children or someone else's. May you enjoy all of the best that the universe has to offer. Your love and guidance will impact your children in ways that cannot be defined. Peace.

"Be a Father to Your Child" by Ed O.G. and the Bulldogs