Don't Wake Me...I'm Dreaming...

2013 Update: I would like to acknowledge the historic significance of the 2nd Inauguration of President Barack Obama falling on the MLK holiday. While I do not believe that the POTUS is a torchbearer, I do believe he is one of a long line of people who work towards filling Dr. King's dream. In honor of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., I would like to celebrate the man and his legacy by looking at where Black folks are today and examine if we have lost sight of his dream.

The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. has cemented his place in our world as an iconic figure. His speeches, essays, sermons, testimonials, marches, movements, vigils, sit ins, all underscore his rightful place as a cultural, spiritual, religious and human rights leader. On his national holiday, I am reflecting on Dr. King's dream and its upkeep by his descendants and beneficiaries.

An early image of Dr. King with Rev. Abernathy and Rev. Shuttlesworth

Although Dr. King envisioned a world where "all of God's children" would come together, I'm going to direct this post to Black folks, Negroes, Coloreds, African Americans and yes, you so called, self proclaimed "N-gg-s"--I am especially talking to you. Dr. King paid the ultimate price with his life to ensure freedoms for all mankind. He gave his life, so that we could enjoy a world without limitations, without segregation, without discrimination. He put himself in the Lion's mouth to make sure that people he would never meet would be able to move about this world without restraints and restrictions. He sacrificed himself to make sure that our people and our families would be able to move through this world as FULL beings and enjoy a world that saw us as equal citizens. And here we are more than 40 years after his death and I ask you--how are you fanning the flames of Dr. King's Dream? How are you keeping his words and life's work alive?

Dr. King and Malcolm X

Let me tell you what I know for sure: there are some beautiful people in the world--in all forms. But when I look at the state of affairs in the Black community overall (and I'm gonna be real general for illustration purposes), I am saddened. Let's look at Dr. King's words and examine where we are today. Let's see how we measure up to Dr. King's Dream:

"But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatize a shameful condition" (MLK, "I Have a Dream"). Considering where we are in 2011, do you feel as if great progress has been made since the four decades when this speech was given? While we have a Black president (he self identifies as a Black man, no discussion needed), where is our representation in Congress? What about Black owned banks? Look around your neighborhood--do you live around mostly Black, White or a mix? Look at your group of friends--are they a mixed group or do the overwhelming majority look like you? What about statistics for joblessness, homelessness, drug addiction, imprisonment, etc.? Don't look at numbers, look at percentages. How many of us are still crippled by discrimination or have we bought into the hype of the so-called Post-Racial America?

King Family

"But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force" (MLK, "I Have a Dream"). As we move forward in our quest for righteousness, we must not use violence as a tool to get ahead. In my interpretation, I must speak to the violence in our own communities. In many ways, the violence that we direct inward and to our fellow brethren is a result of the way we are positioned in society. Because we are bombarded with images of Blacks as violent, misogynistic, drug addicted, sexually promiscuous, welfare living, low moral having, gun toting, ebonics talking, hip hop listening, pants sagging, unmarried baby making, no daddy having savages, we don't always embrace the beauty of who we are. We become discouraged and this leads to self-hate which can manifest in black on black violence. The violence that MLK said was unacceptable in regards to all movements toward progress. If we are to stop the destruction of our society, we must begin internally.

And finally, "With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day" (MLK "I Have a Dream").

If we only knew...

Faith, hope, transformation, togetherness--these are the things that we need to move forward to become better, to do better. There are many of us who are walking the walk and talking the talk. There are many of us who are doing the right things in our families, communities, schools, churches, work places, etc. There are many, but...not enough. So today, I am asking you to move forward in the effort to make Dr. King's legacy a permanent fixture in our daily walk. We can't continue to live under the benchmark of greatness that has been claimed for our lives. We can't continue to live up to the ridiculous stereotypes that society has claimed for us. We must do better and we must do better NOW. We cannot continue to use slavery as the reason for our present misdeeds. The atrocities forced on our communities during that time may have some residue in today's society, but use that to motivate you towards greatness and not keep you down.

Yolanda King, Granddaughter at Dr. King's Memorial

Do better, be better, want better, help more, do more, learn more, pull your pants up, get on birth control, honor your body, get an education, go to work, learn proper English, be brave, help your neighbor, protect your family, do your best, be your best, respect your elders, respect your families, respect yourself, clean your body, clean your mind, read a book, learn to spell, put down the guns, put away the knives, don't do drugs, raise your children, help your community...(or something like that). Happy MLK day! I'm living the Dream--are you?

Peace.

An Early Interview With MLK

All images courtesy of Google Image.

Bully: An Important Film

On Friday, my husband and I took our three children (19, 14 and 12) to see Bully at the Little Theater. We chose to go see the film on opening night because it was to be followed by a “talk back” after the film. Additionally, our middle-schoolers wanted to see it. Earlier this month, our college age son watched Jamie Nabozny’s Bullied (and saw him speak), so he was also intrigued by the topic. So off we went to see the film…

As we sat in the theater, it became apparent that this wasn’t your garden variety film. Right from the beginning, viewers witnessed the heartbreaking physical, verbal and emotional abuse heaped on the young victims. In fact, I was so disturbed at how one young boy, Alex, was being treated that I got up to leave the theater after only 15 minutes. Luckily, my husband convinced me to stay and finish watching the film. Watching the documentary unfold, I was beyond angry—I was hurt, confused and downright ticked off. It turned my stomach and bothered my spirit that these young folks were being victimized by their peers. What took me over the edge (and the other viewers in attendance) was the response of the school administrators. Well, maybe I should say the lack of response. *insert disgusted look here* I won’t say anymore in order to avoid spoilers, but I will say you should see it and so should your children. The language is not a big enough concern to warrant missing the film.

What I hope parents will do is to sit down with their children and discuss the film. To discuss what happens when children leave home and get on their school buses, enter their classrooms or any space where their parents are not present. We need to stop telling children that “sticks and stones may break your bones, but names will never hurt you.” Words hurt. And sometimes we don’t notice the effects of those words until it is too late. We have to teach our children that picking on someone because of any perceived difference is not right. Period. We can’t excuse malicious behaviors as a rite of passage by saying “boys will be boys” or “you know how girls are.” We are becoming a culture of vultures who misbehave for sport. But it’s not a laughing matter at all. If you encourage or ignore hurtful behaviors or language in your own children—you are wrong! Period.

Listen, childhood is difficult enough without the added threat of physical, emotional or verbal assault. Not many of us were as confident as children that we are as adults (if we are). Some of us may have been bullies and some of us may have been bullied, but we should do all we can to spare our children the same harmful experiences. Talk with your children and set a standard for how they are to behave. Don’t sugarcoat it. We tell our children what our standard of behavior is and what our expectations for their behaviors are. We talk about Facebook, texting and interacting with peers. We let them know that we would never condone it if they were to mistreat someone—period. And we also tell them to let us know if someone is mistreating them. None of the folks in our household have either been bullies or been bullied, but I am happy to report that we all take up for others, we all champion social justice (even the littlest ones) and we each have wonderful manners. No, we aren’t perfect, but we definitely aren’t bullies.

Overall, let’s work together to create a space where children can just BE. Who is to say who is "cool" or not? Who is "pretty" or not? Who is "worthy" or not? We all have a right to just BE. Let's build a world of inclusion where we can develop and grow into our full selves. And it starts today, right here, right now with me and with you... Read our family's views about the film here

New Location for Soulstainable Living (Temporarily)

One of the wonderful things to happen to me as a blogger is that I have been asked to blog for our local newspaper's online site for women. So, for the last couple of months, I have been posting on that site instead of here. I assumed that most people who read the blog follow it on Facebook, but I understand that some people who read this blog are not on FB *blush* So that being said, here is the temporary site for Soulstainable Living. I hope you will continue to follow me:

http://blogs.democratandchronicle.com/her-community/author/tgraham/

Take good care and thank you so very much for your support!!

Thank You...

I have been working hard to make some of my personal dreams come true. I work all the time to make sure that what I want will manifest in real life. I have been overwhelmed recently by the level of support that I have gotten from my family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and even some strangers. I'm truly appreciative of all of the blessings that come my way. I have had a hard road in some ways and I am happy to say that I am conquering the ghosts of my past, one determined action at a time. This blog has been taking off in so many directions that I have to pinch myself to make sure it's real. Life is good.

I just want to say thank you for your support. Your phone calls, text messages, FB posts and in person meetings have touched me in ways that I can't fully express. I believe in taking moments out to give thanks and that's what I intend to convey to you today: THANK YOU!!! I look forward to the next directions that this blog will go. In life and in love, I wish you well.

Fantasia "I Believe"

Go Hard or ...

Today I woke up and realized that I have hustle in my heart. I mean that to say that I want more and so I do more. I'm not concerned with what other folks have going on; I know what I have in store for moi (that's "me" for the non-French speakers). Seriously. I work from sun up to sun down in order to make my dreams come true. Do you? Do you have the "go hard or go home" motto etched into the part of your brain that organizes your goals? Do you plan, plan, plan with every breath you take? Do you? Do you live and breathe for your next move? Do you? Because if you don't, well then it won't get done.

I don't know about y'all, but I know that I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I don't have a trust fund or tons of discretionary income to play around with, so I have to work hard for my money. If I don't work, I don't eat. I mean that. Yes, I have a husband and he's a great provider, but I have to contribute in my way. That's what's important to me. Even when I was a stay at home mom/wife, I worked hard. I went to school, I planned my next steps...I went hard! I founded a writing company, I wrote articles, I researched grad schools, and actually completed one graduate degree (the next is coming). I didn't just sit around and let my brain turn to mush; I worked.it.out.

Too often, we become complacent and just accept what we're given as our lot in life. We take scraps and leftovers (I'm not talking about food, here) and make do with what we've been allotted. But what I'm telling you is that you can propel yourself to greatness with whatever you have been given. You have the final say in what is for you and what isn't...period. I have a friend who is the hardest working person I know. And she doesn't just work...she excels. In fact, I have several friends like that. And you know what? We push each other further; we encourage each other to do more, to be more. And you know why: well because birds of a feather flock together (but for the record, we're eagles, not chickens). And we move in sync toward our individual paths of greatness, but we're connected to each other by our perseverance.

Listen, I'm not saying that you should live your life chasing and searching. What I am saying is that you should work hard to achieve your goals. You have to work hard to achieve your goals. Very few people have become successful by sitting on their sofas, scratching their bellies. You have to get out there and do the w.o.r.k. There aren't many freebies in life and you have to shed a little blood, a lot of sweat and even more tears. For real. Plan your work and then work the heck out of your plan. No excuses. However, you have to remember to play hard as well. Don't ignore your loved ones and laughter in pursuit of greatness. I can tell you that nothing in the world is worth losing connections to the ones you love.

Remember that you only have one life to live and this is not a dress rehearsal: it's the real deal. You have to go out and apply yourself to everything that you do. Your name should mean something to you. "You" are a brand. When people hear your name, they should know that it means quality. They should know that you handle your business in every way, every day. Period. If you say you want it, you should be willing to work for it. No excuses. Remember: go hard or go home. You can't expect for someone else to do your work for you (well, you can expect it, but it probably won't happen). You better make sure that every "i" is dotted and that every "t" is crossed. I don't care how big you get, you better handle your business. Never, ever let the business handle you. For real. You are in control. You have to believe it.

In the end, this isn't about money. It's about passion and satisfaction. Find something you are passionate about and make a plan that revolves around that. If you are passionate about what you are doing, then you will have greater satisfaction in the scope of your life. You will understand that you are made for greatness and expecting anything less than that is ludicrous. I don't care what people say about you. Let them talk. Let them eat cake. Let them sit and watch you become all you are destined to be. Take some time in the near future to outline your goals, divide them into monthly, semi-annual, annual and five-year. Then write down the work that you think it will take in order to make your dreams come true. Remember that your goals will need to be re-evaluated at times and you may not always complete them in the ways that you imagine. But remember this: a try beats a fail every time. So get out there and give this the best that you've got. Peace.

"Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor

It's Not Smoke and Mirrors...

Too often we allow people into our space without doing proper background checks. I don't mean running credit reports, DMV profiles or criminal record checks. I'm talking about looking at the relationships that they have with other folks before you allow them into your inner circle. If you meet someone that a lot of people fall out with...um, well, that's a glaring red flag. You might want to keep on steppin'. But the best of us feel as if we will be the ones who can change that person for the better. Unfortunately, it's probably not gonna happen.

A recent FB status update read: When people show you who they are, believe them. We make too many excuses for folks' bad behavior, often at the expense of our peace of mind. If someone is treating you poorly, remove him/her from your life--period. Life is too short to surround yourself with toxic people. SN: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Actions speak louder than words. Many of my friends liked the status and commented with their own tales of folks behaving badly. It's a shame that so many people will put up with the bad behavior of others. I'm not talking about at work or school, because sometimes you can't avoid dealing with donkeys. But in your personal life? Noooo way!! There is no reason to allow that toxic energy in your personal space.

Listen, people are drawn to me. It's true. Ever since I was a little girl, I've always had tons of friends. And I've had most of my friends for a very long time (10+ years), so I definitely know how to maintain good relationships. But (and it's a big but), I haven't been as careful recently with some of the folks that I have allowed into my inner circle (shame on me). I went through some major upheaval with some of my new "friends" and it left me wounded. For real, for real. I was speaking about it with my husband and trying to figure out what the universe and God were trying to tell me. I kept blaming myself and my husband broke it down to me. He said, "Yeah it is you. But not how you think it is. It's not saying that you are a bad person. Not. At. All. The message you should get is that you can't always allow everyone a front row seat to your heart." WHAT?!!! Hold up? That made a lot of sense. Because that's who I am. I am a constant "fixer." My friend, BGA, tells me that I "speak life into people" and that I'm "a natural healer." And it's true.

I hate for anyone to be left out. I don't like for people to have hurt feelings. I do all I can to make folks feel good about themselves and their lives. I really do. And I want everyone to be their best selves. I want to stand in the gaps and heal the world. But you know what? I'm learning that everyone is not my kind. Sad, but true. I've talked about this before, but it bears repeating: hurt people do not have to hurt people. They can channel their pain into positive energy and recycle it for the benefit of others. But most folks don't do that or maybe they can't. They get stuck in operating off of ego and resorting to those same faulty behaviors that have failed them in the past. But you know what I've learned throughout this difficult year? It's not my problem or my fault. I don't have to drain myself to build anyone else up. That is a relationship that is one sided and unhealthy. I'm too old (and wise, I hope) for that.

So this is an open letter to the folks who have done me wrong recently:

Dear You (you know who you are),

I gave myself to you in friendship with open arms, with no expectations except for reciprocity. I was honest in all of our dealings. I always considered your best interest, but I can't compromise who I am in order to suit your purposes. I refuse to be in a relationship that demands that I play myself small. You want full governance to be who you are and I am supposed to understand that that is part of your personality. But what about me? What about the ways that I showed you kindness, generosity, consistency and love? What about how I had your back and feathered your wings with kind words and purposeful actions? I guess it didn't matter after all. I ignored the folks who told me stories of their dealings with you. I ignored the ones who tried to warn me about your donkey antics. I thought that if I dealt with you a certain way then you would reciprocate.

But I was wrong. You got mad at some perceived slight and then you shut me out. You ignored me and thought that somehow that would break me...Have you read my resume? Did you know that I have overcome more than you could ever throw at me? Did you know that I might bend, but I don't break? Did you remember that I am protected by legions who love me? Did you know that your absence would only cause temporary pain because I was built to overcome adversity? You haven't taken anything from me that I didn't give to you willingly. But now that I understand who you are, you don't ever have to worry about me again. I can't deal with the flip flop emotions and the unnecessary drama. You are showing me that, in the larger scope of things, our connection didn't matter at all. And so I release you from my expectations of reciprocity. I free you from the bonds of our friendship. I wish you no ill will and hope that you continue to move and grow towards full personhood.

With no malice,
Me

And that, my faithful readers, is how you save yourself. The Soulstainable Living movement does not require that you accept poor treatment from anyone. You can give love freely, but protect yourself. I had been walking around for awhile with this pain in my heart because I was still trying to figure out how I could make this thing right. That's not always the lesson. Things don't always come 360. Some things are meant to help you grow, even if there is pain involved. Remember that everyone you start your journey with will not be at the finish line. That doesn't diminish your value as a person. You just make sure that you hold yourself to a higher standard that allows you to heal, not hurt. And if people show you who they are: BELIEVE THEM!! I wish you love and enlightenment. Peace.

"I Choose" by India Arie

Making Connections: Being Reunited Does Feel Good

Remember all of the friends that you made throughout your life? The ones you were born with because your family knew their families? Do you remember the ones you met in elementary school and laughed with during recess? You remember your secondary school friends? The ones you coordinated outfits with, confided in about your first love? The ones you shared all of your teenage angst, passion and joy with? Do you remember the friends you made in college? You studied together, pledged together, hung out together and made plans to be connected all your lives because you were going to take over the world together. What about your friends you met in church, summer camp or some other activity? Your work friends that you had at a previous job? What about the friends you made when your children were small? And your kids played with their kids? Remember that you had memories upon memories of the good times that you shared with these people? Remember, you would talk to these folks all.of.the.time? (Pause for a quick walk down memory lane).

It seemed that wherever you went, you met people who shared with you, who laughed with you and who were an important part of the landscape of your life. The very fabric of your life was woven together by your interactions with these special folks. You knew they looked out for you and had your back no matter what and you did the same in return. They made each moment in their presence that much better. These were the people that you felt connected in a myriad of ways with. Remember how we all thought that everyone we ever loved would be in our lives forever? Remember? Despite our best efforts, life happened and we didn't keep in touch. We moved away, we changed schools, mindsets and availability. And people who were once very important to us, somehow became memories--faded, tucked away in the recesses of our hearts and minds. Do you remember?

As I get older I find that, while I love to meet new people, I really I love the company of folks who were a part of my early years. The years when I fumbled in my quest for identity, voice and position. I find that I really need the people who loved me and poured into me. I find that I also need to make connections with people who were significant to me in different times in my life because I need those connections to help push me to the next level of my life. For real. I know that everyone didn't have beautiful people in their lives as they were growing up, but I did. And for some reason as I get older, I want to reach out to those people. I want to reconnect and become plugged back into to their worlds. I want to be a part of their lives and I want them to share my life with me. I feel like I need it--does that make any sense? There is something inexplicable that is stirring in my soul that is pulling me back to days past. Like an archeologist, I dig for the people who I believe will be important to my future.

Recently, I have been able to connect to some great childhood friends I hadn't seen in about 25 years. We reunited through Facebook. Online, we serve as each others' cheerleaders providing encouragement and cyber love often. We became a little sorority, a modern day Three Musketeers. The funny thing is, is that I knew them from different places, but they went to school together. Our connection was like a Venn diagram, but we overlapped in all the right places: we formed a new sisterhood. In fact, I saw both of them recently when they came to our hometown for visits. And you know what? It was like no time at all passed by. We laughed, talked, danced, laughed some more, reminisced and it felt just.right. Good times were had by us all.

I also reconnected with an old work friend online. We were so close at one point, but it was the same old story: our lives changed and we lost touch. I would see her once in awhile and we would promise to get together, but it never happened. Through Facebook, we got to know each other again and realized that we needed each other still. And so we hung out in person and once again, I found that we fell right back to our usual patterns. We laughed and continued a conversation we began about 10 years ago, like we never lost touch at all. It feels good to be back in each others' lives. For real.

Late last year, I also reconnected with my high school bff in person. We hadn't seen each other in 15 years, but we remained connected via phone. And along came FB...we saw each other all the time online and I realized how much I missed her goofy face. And so we drove 10 hours to see her and when I saw her, it felt like no time had passed. Our families clicked and we laughed and laughed and...well, it was just perfect. I didn't realize how much I had missed her until I was driving home...and then the tears came. Tears of joy, tears of absence, tears of reconnection, just tears, tears, tears. And I vowed never to let that much time pass again without actually seeing my loved ones.

And recently, I reunited with a childhood cousin from my grandfather's side of the family. I spent long hours at her mother's house with her mom, aunts, uncles and my grandparents. I hadn't seen her in a very long time and didn't recognize her for the semester she was my student (crazy, right?), but from the day we met, we had a connection we couldn't identify. It was just strong. And then one day just last week, we became FB friends and realized through a set of circumstances that we were actually family!!!! What a blessing and a true gift. I had just written about my grandfather and it felt so good to be connected to his family again. And best of all, we even reunited her mother and my grandmother who are both in their 80's!!!! It doesn't get any better than that. *tears*

Listen, I'm not saying that everyone you used to know is someone you need to know. I'm just saying that sometimes we get so bogged down by life and we lose contact (through no fault of our own) with people who have been integral to our development. Technology can sometimes get in the way of real human contact, but in my case, technology was the bridge to human contact. Hurray for FB because without it, I would never have been able to reconnect with so many of the good folks in my life. I have found other former classmates, work friends and family online; it is truly remarkable and nourishes my spirit. I encourage you to try to reestablish severed ties and make your way back to the people who remember you "when". I know that my life has been enriched in indescribable ways by these reignited connections. With each reunion, I am able to give and receive love and we all could use a bit more of that. Here's wishing you find your way back to the relationships that fed your soul and that you blossom from the love you receive. Peace.

"Love Train" by the (Mighty, Mighty) O'Jays